Funny Quotes for a Memorable Christmas

Posted by Andrew on May 28, 2018

Christmas is a very holy occasion with the complicated meaning and deep roots. However, the religious background of Christmas doesn`t mean that this day should be serious or sad. Quite the opposite! There are so many things in this holiday, which make it funny: from the crazy shopping of presents from Santa to noisy family gathering near the Christmas tree.
Christmas is aimed to teach all people how to enjoy their lives and have fun not only one day in a year, but every minute! As a rule, the holiday of Christmas brings a piece of happiness into each house. Humor plays the most important role here. It`s difficult to live without jokes as well as it`s hard to spend Christmas without funny Xmas quotes.
Jolly quotes about Christmas under interesting captions will say “Merry Christmas” to all your friends and relatives in a funny way! Short Christmas quotes will complement any card to make it more festive and attractive. Probably, the most interesting Christmas quotes will become a motto for your holiday!
Make your Christmas funny by reading witty Christmas quotes and sayings! Find the best variants, which you like the most, and share them with people, who are close to you. This collection of funny Christmas quotes will definitely make them laugh out loud!

Great Christmas Quotes for Funny Mood

Christmas creates a special atmosphere for each family. Unfortunately, for some people, this atmosphere doesn`t mean joy and excitement. Funny quotes, connected with Christmas, will get you in the good mood!

  • I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
  • The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
  • Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
  • If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
  • Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.
  • If you haven’t gotten the Christmas spirit yet; it’s not too late. I hear they’re having a big sale on it down at the mall.
  • The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
  • “If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” – Father Christmas in “Elf”
  • Santa Claus has the right idea- visit people only once a year.
  • Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?” —Jim Gaffigan
  • I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red.
  • “Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” – Harry  from “Love Actually”

Funny Christmas Sayings with the Hidden Meaning

People say that in every good joke there is a sliver of truth. The same is true for Christmas sayings. They may be funny, but they`re still meaningful and true to life!

  • Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
  • There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.
  • One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
  • I get the same thing for Christmas every year – deeper in debt.
  • A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.
  • Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.
  • Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
  • Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. —Andy Borowitz
  • Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. – Kin Hubbard
  • You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.- Maya Angelou
  • Christmas is a bridge. We need bridges as the river of time flows past. – Gladys Taber
  • Friends are Like Christmas Lights. Some are Broke. Others Just Don’t Work for You and There are Others That Make Your Day Shine Bright.

Funny Captions to Make on Christmas

The best way to diversify the Christmas evening is to add some funny captions or notes into your boring table conversation!

  • Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.
  • People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
  • Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a “religious” meaning.
  • Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.
  • From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
  • No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas.
  • Christmas is a time when you get homesick. Even when you’re home.
  • Dear Santa, I’ve been good for the past few days. Let’s focus on that.
  • I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it’s a healthy outlet for them. If they weren’t covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they’d be doing something that was really, really creepy. –  Lewis Black
  • I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. – Henny Youngman
  • Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease. – from “The Santa Clause”
  • Dear Santa… before I explain, how much do you know already?

Funny Quotes for a Holiday Season

Want to crack up on this Christmas? Funny quotes about Christmas and the winter holiday season are the best choice for this purpose!

  • Dear Santa, This year, please give me a fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.
  • Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
  • Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.
  • That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  • Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
  • Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar. Or, as you like to call it, a delicatessen.
  • A hug is the perfect Christmas gift, one size fits all and it’s easily returned.
  • Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
  • Christmas (Noun) The only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
  • I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. —Shirley Temple
  • Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. – Gary Allan
  • Dear Santa, I can explain.

Short Quotes to Make Christmas Funny

Your thoughts are the thing, which sets the tone of your Christmas holiday. That`s why you should control them and direct on the positive side. Short but funny Christmas quotes can help you to manage to complete this task!

  • Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
  • Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
  • You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.
  • Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
  • A true Christmas miracle is when you manage to untangle all your Christmas lights from last year. Double miracle if they still work.
  • Happiness is a homespun Christmas!
  • The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants.
  • The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school. – Alice Cooper
  • Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet.
  • Christmas is a stocking stuffed with sugary goodness. – Mo Rocca
  • It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
  • Dear Santa, I was really good at being really naughty. Does that count?

Witty Quotes to Use on Christmas

Need to have a guaranty of the happiest Christmas holiday? Then you have to stock up on some witty quotes about Christmas to prevent feeling boring!

  • Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
  • My Christmas wish is to spend more time unwrapping presents than I do untangling lights.
  • There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
  • The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round — kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.
  • Christmas is the gentlest, loveliest festival of the revolving year — and yet, for all that, when it speaks, its voice has strong authority.
  • When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?
  • Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. —Ellen DeGeneres
  • I hope Santa leaves me a skinny body and a fat wallet, not the other way around like it was last year.
  • I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas. – Frank Butler
  • I’d rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards. – Paul O’Grady
  • It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin! – Melanie White
  • Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Funny Quotes about Christmas for Cards

The first thing, which always attracts the attention of all people to cards, isn`t the images on it, but the words inside! If you don`t want your card to end up in a litterbin after you present it, choose funny quotes to write in!

  • A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
  • Avoid drinking too much at the office Christmas party by drinking too much before the office Christmas party.
  • Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
  • At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
  • Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
  • Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.
  • Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
  • All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. – Donald Yetter Gardner
  • A good conscience is a continual Christmas. – Benjamin Franklin
  • I’m only a morning person on December 25th.
  • Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp. – Melanie White
  • Let’s drink mulled wine and talk shit.

Funny Quotes to Wish Merry Christmas

Wishing a Merry Christmas shouldn`t be a boring duty for you and those people, who receive these Christmas congratulations. Avoid choosing banal words, but send funny quotes to greet other people!

  • Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You’re getting clothes and a bible for Christmas. Merry Christmas!
  • At Christmas, play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.
  • Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.
  • Thank goodness Christmas is a state of mind. I’d hate for it to be the state of my bank account. Merry Christmas!
  • Be naughty, save Santa a trip.
  • As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.
  • For Christmas decorate yourself with a smile!
  • You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Merry Christmas!
  • Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet. Merry Christmas!
  • May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.
  • I want you on my Christmas Tree.
  • There has been only one Christmas — the rest are anniversaries. Merry Christmas!

Funny Quotes about Santa Claus

What Christmas can occur without such a character as Santa Claus? He is the one, who creates our Christmas mood! Let`s look at him from another point of view with funny quotes about Christmas!

  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
  • Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?
  • Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?
  • Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
  • Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.
  • The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.
  • Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.  Most of the time. Once in awhile. Nevermind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
  • Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! – Francis Pharcellus Church
  • I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him. – Theodore W. Higginsworth
  • Dear Santa, is it too late now to say sorry?

Xmas Quotes with Humor

All holidays, as well as each day of your life, are impossible to spend without a good sense of humor! Xmas quotes with funny meaning will amuse you and those, who are going to spend this Christmas with you!

  • My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
  • I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if it runs out I’ll drink the red.
  • What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
  • Mail your packages early, so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
  • Get into the Christmas spirits. Whiskey, vodka, and gin.
  • You’re on our list for a Christmas wish.
  • Christmas is love with all the trimmings.
  • You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.
  • I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included.” —Bernard Manning
  • Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. – Johnny Carson
  • Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.
  • Dear Santa, when you get here, could you please throw a quick load in the washer, vacuum the carpets and wash your cookie plate? Thanks.

Funny Quotes about Christmas Tree

A decorated Christmas tree with bright lights is also an important attribute of every Christmas holiday. Let it be not only in your house, but in your heart. Funny quotes, somehow connected with Christmas tree, are an additional creator of your mood!

  • Christmas (Noun) – the only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
  • Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
  • The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
  • The perfect Christmas tree? All Christmas trees are perfect!
  • The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature.
  • He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.
  • A Christian should resemble a fruit tree with real fruit, not a Christmas tree with decorations tied on.
  • Dear Santa, just leave your credit card under the tree.
  • The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There’s a kind of glory to them when they’re all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy. – Andy Rooney
  • There’s nothing cozier than a Christmas tree all lit up. ― Jenny Han
  • *Puts a selfie on top of the Christmas tree because I’m a star*
  • Christmas tree o’ Christmas tree, your ornaments are history.

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