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346 Funny Instagram Bios — Liven Up Your ‘About Me’

Posted by Robert Hayes on October 31, 2019

For a place built on the visual image, the written word sure does have an important place at Instagram.

Instagram continues to grow in popularity as a place to share and view snaps and stories where users can interact with one another in countless ways. People mingle with their friends, their families, their coworkers, as well as with the larger world in the form of celebrities, brands, and influencers. Some users use Instagram to just share stuff with their inner circle, while others are trying to catch the public eye and build a following or a fan base. No matter why you use Instagram, you’ve undoubtedly found it to be a great place to keep and curate and content stream that is vibrant and interesting. But snaps are only part of the picture – you want your captions to be compelling, and you want your bio to grab the attention of potential new followers.

There are lots of articles on getting better photos; TechJunkie has posted some good ones on fixing pixelated pictures, how to post multiple pictures at once, where to find great Android apps for editing and annotating your photos, and how to edit your images using Paint and the Photos app on Windows 10. We’ve also created a whole slew of great articles featuring great caption ideas, like our list of funny Instagram captions, using song lyrics for captions, and holiday-themed captions for Christmas or Valentine’s Day, among many others. We teach techniques for engagement, like finding out how to see who read your profile, and we recommend the purchase of truly professional books about Instagram marketing tips.

How do you make your Instagram bio more attractive?

But how about that bio? Instagram is just a little bit stingy and limits it to only 150 characters. That’s not really much space! In fact, this whole paragraph is 150 characters.

What is a good Instagram bio quote?

So you’ve got maybe 30 words (less if you like to use big words) to make an impression. Bad news – there’s no room for your life story, your personal philosophy, or even that list of your favorite bands (well, maybe if you only like U2, REM, Queen, ABBA, Rush, Muse and Heart). What do you have room for? Humor. Humor can be short and sweet, it gets people’s attention, and everyone finds it attractive. You can really show off your personality with your sense of humor, whether it’s witty wordplay, sardonic sarcasm, or goofy jokes.

So with that in mind, here is our list of 215 clever, funny, and amusing bios you can use to revitalize your Instagram bio. Note that all of these are less than 150 characters and most are much shorter than that, leaving you some room to work in your own personal ideas.

Fun Bios and Funny Instagram Bios

  1. The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
  2. By the way, I’m wearing the smile you gave me.
  3. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
  4. How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.
  5. Sausage puns are the wurst.
  6. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He’s alright now.
  7. I woke up this way.
  8. One person’s LOL is another’s WTF.
  9. I haven’t failed, my success is just postponed until later.
  10. Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?
  11. There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
  12. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  13. I’m a glowstick – I had to break before I could shine.
  14. Scratch here to see my status.
  15. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
  16. Life happens. Coffee helps.
  17. Putting the “hot” in “psychotic.”
  18. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
  19. I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
  20. The bags under my eyes are Gucci.
  21. I’m the result of a natural 20.
  22. A caffeine-dependent life form.
  23. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – I can’t put it down.
  24. Being weird is the side effect of awesomeness.
  25. Hey there! Instagram is using me.
  26. Me: Did you get a haircut? Dad: No, I got them all cut.
  27. Throwing shade like confetti.
  28. I was at a funeral and the widow asked if I would say a word. I said “plethora”. She said “thanks, that
    means a lot.”
  29. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
  30. What would the honey badger do?
  31. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  32. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
  33. The future,the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  34. If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
  35. Professional procrastinator.
  36. The wheel’s still turning but the hamster is dead.
  37. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  38. Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
  39. WiFi, food, my bed. Perfection.
  40. Sarcasm: a way to insult idiots without them realizing it.
  41. If everyone on Earth joined hands around the Equator, many of them would drown.
  42. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
  43. Save 50% on pictures: 500 words only. Limited-time offer.
  44. I told the doctor that I’d broken my arm in several places. He said not to go to those places.
  45. I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  46. Gonna be a great day. But first: coffee.
  47. I deserve a medal every day I don’t stab someone with a fork.
  48. You’re right, I’m not perfect. But I’m unique!
  49. My relationship status? Netflix, Oreos, and sweatpants.
  50. My life is about as organized as a $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
  51. Beware of the dog…the cat is also pretty shady.
  52. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “Breathe, man! Breathe!”
  53. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to realize
    it was just a Fanta sea.
  54. I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock.
  55. I wouldn’t trade one stupid decision for another five years of my life.
  56. I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.
  57. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  58. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  59. If you can’t say something nice, come sit by me.
  60. i dont beleife in spele chek.
  61. When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified, like the
    passengers in his car.
  62. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, that would be an amazing coincidence.
  63. Oh, I’m sorry, was my sass too much for you?
  64. You drink too much and gossip too much. Let’s be friends.
  65. The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.
  66. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the
    boat.
  67. I need to go to Wal-Mart but I can’t find my pajamas.
  68. The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
  69. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
  70. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
  71. Good Samaritan, washed-up athlete, especially gifted napper.
  72. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  73. I will go into survival mode if tickled.
  74. Asking me if I want another drink is like asking me if I want some money.
  75. I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
  76. I recently gave up Warcraft, so my productivity and drinking have increased dramatically.
  77. We go together like drunk and disorderly!
  78. Nice guys finish lunch.
  79. My last words will be “I left a million dollars under the…”
  80. Living vicariously through myself.
  81. I’m not actually funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
  82. After Monday and Tuesday, every calendar says WTF.
  83. I like long, romantic walks down every aisle of Target.
  84. Not all men are fools; some stay single.
  85. Just keep swimming.
  86. In search of sleep, sanity, and the Shire.
  87. Born at a very young age.
  88. I’m the world’s best dentist. I have a little plaque.
  89. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  90. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
  91. If you message me and I don’t message you back, it’s because I fainted from happiness.
  92. Time flies after you hit the snooze button.
  93. I like hashtags because they look like waffles #.
  94. Secretly a wizard.
  95. It’s 2018, where’s the “Fold” button on my dryer?
  96. I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
  97. The best things in life are not things.
  98. The earth’s rotation really makes my day.
  99. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
  100. What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”
  101. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  102. Without me it would just be aweso.
  103. Did my opinion offend you? You should hear the ones I don’t say out loud.
  104. I’m an aspiring grown-up.
  105. I’m not sure how many problems I have, because math is one of them.
  106. I still don’t understand Instagram, but here I am.
  107. There will be no adulting today.
  108. A man sued an airline after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
  109. Spread love as thick as you would spread Nutella.
  110. I’m on Instagram, like you!
  111. I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.
  112. Does eye-rolling count as cardio?
  113. If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?
  114. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
  115. I’m 99% angel… but oh, that 1%.
  116. I’m so open-minded, my brains might fall out.
  117. Eat right. Stay in shape. Die anyway.
  118. Here to serve the cat overlord.
  119. Insert something pretentious about me here.
  120. I’m too pretty to work.
  121. Bad decisions make good stories.
  122. I’m not smart, I just wear glasses.
  123. Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.
  124. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
  125. My road to success always seems to be under construction.
  126. You had me at “we have to make it look like an accident”.
  127. Instagram bio is loading.
  128. The hardest part of business is minding your own.
  129. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
  130. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  131. Benjamin Franklin wasn’t a president. Just so you know.
  132. A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, “This is a library.” The man
    apologizes and whispers, “I’d like a hamburger, please.”
  133. Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
  134. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
  135. Don’t worry if plan A fails; there are twenty-five other letters in the alphabet.
  136. The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass.
  137. People can change. Just make sure you change for the better.
  138. I’m not special, I’m limited edition.
  139. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
  140. The scarecrow got promoted. It was only fair. He was outstanding in his field.
  141. It would be irresponsible not to make housecleaning a drinking game.
  142. I’m not online, it’s just an optical illusion.
  143. God bless this hot mess.
  144. Living proof that pobody’s nerfect.
  145. Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
  146. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
  147. Recommended by 4 out of 5 people that recommend things.
  148. BAE means Bacon And Eggs.
  149. I have this new theory that adolescence doesn’t end until your early thirties.
  150. Time is precious—waste it wisely.Best Tinder Approach
  151. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  152. You may see me weak, but you will never see me quit.
  153. I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
  154. We’ll always be BFFs…because you know too much.
  155. Where am I and how did I get here?
  156. Life would be so boring without me.
  157. I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.
  158. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
  159. What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup? Beer.
  160. I’m so fresh they call me Febreze.
  161. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
  162. What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.
  163. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
  164. What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
  165. My laziness is like the number 8. Once I lie down it’s infinite.
  166. I prefer my puns intended.
  167. I am unable to quit, as I am currently too legit.
  168. Not a complete idiot–there are some pieces missing.
  169. Ask me about my ADD. I saw a rock. Look, birds!
  170. Relationship status: Looking for WiFi.
  171. Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  172. Making the Snuggie look good since 2009.
  173. I wish I were an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
  174. My password had to be at least eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
  175. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
  176. I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
  177. I named my iPod “Titanic”. It’s syncing now.
  178. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  179. Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off.
  180. If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.
  181. Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by change.
  182. A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group
    of hardened criminals.
  183. Papercut survivor.
  184. I can’t sing. I’m going to sing anyway.
  185. People will stare. Make it worth their while.
  186. I thought I wanted a career, but it turned out I only wanted paychecks.
  187. Did you hear about the guy who dipped his junk in glitter? It was pretty nuts.
  188. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
  189. I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.
  190. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  191. Pray. Slay.
  192. So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
  193. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
  194. The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.
  195. I’m here to avoid friends on Facebook.
  196. God is really creative. I mean, just look at me.
  197. Don’t ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It’s hard for them to stay in sink.
  198. Often unreliable. Easily distracted.
  199. Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
  200. I shot a tiger in my pajamas. How it got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.
  201. Are you a banker? Because I’d like you to leave me a loan.
  202. Sarcasm connoisseur.
  203. All I ask is that you treat me as though I were Queen.
  204. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  205. In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
  206. My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
  207. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at.
  208. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
  209. I hope one day I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt.
  210. The best part of my job is that the chair spins.
  211. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
  212. A man of mystery and power, whose power is exceeded only by his mystery.
  213. Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? The ceremony was nothing special, but the
    reception was amazing!
  214. Don’t blindly follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
  215. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
  216. Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
  217. Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
  218. I don’t understand why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
  219. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  220. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  221. Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.
  222. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  223. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  224. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything”.
  225. I’ve found there’s only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
  226. I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.
  227. When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  228. I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  229. You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
  230. Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
  231. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
  232. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
  233. I’m at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It’s the law.
  234. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
  235. I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
  236. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
  237. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  238. If you’re going through Hell, keep going.
  239. The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it?
  240. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
  241. I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade”.
  242. Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
  243. Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
  244. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
  245. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  246. I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  247. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
  248. My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
  249. I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  250. My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in so many words, he just said that I need to reduce the amount of stress in my life.
  251. I hate peer pressure and you should too.
  252. How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
  253. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  254. Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
  255. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
  256. Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
  257. A straight face and a sincere-sounding “Huh?” have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
  258. Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
  259. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  260. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  261. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
  262. Everything always ends well. If not – it’s probably not the end.
  263. If you had friends like mine, you’d be the luckiest guy in the world!
  264. Beauty is only skin deep …but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
  265. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  266. There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
  267. Don’t be irreplaceable – if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
  268. The reward for a job well done is more work.
  269. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
  270. If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
  271. The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more time you have to learn how to fly.
  272. My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
  273. Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.
  274. Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
  275. Books are just TV for smart people.
  276. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
  277. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
  278. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
  279. Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
  280. If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it’s because I’ve already done it.
  281. I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
  282. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
  283. I’m like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
  284. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
  285. Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
  286. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  287. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
  288. Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
  289. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
  290. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
  291. My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with vengeance. I told him “Oh yeah, we’ll see about that!”
  292. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  293. Crowded elevators smell different to short people.
  294. I don’t engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
  295. I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
  296. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs.
  297. When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born.
  298. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  299. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  300. It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
  301. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer …oh wait, he does.
  302. Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
  303. Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in.
  304. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  305. Comedy is tragedy plus time.
  306. Always select the right one. How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
  307. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  308. The best time to open a gift is the present.
  309. I’ve been repeating the Everything becomes 100 times louder when you’re trying not to wake someone upsame mistakes in life for so long now, I think I’ll start calling them traditions.
  310. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  311. I was going to share a vegetable joke but it’s corny.
  312. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  313. Alzheimer’s can’t be that bad. You get to meet new people everyday.
  314. My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
  315. Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
  316. I bet you I could stop gambling.
  317. You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?
  318. The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google the names they call you when it ends badly.
  319. The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”
  320. Do German cats have multiple lives? Nein.
  321. There is only 4 inches distance between 2 holes.
  322. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  323. I’m at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It’s the law.
  324. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
  325. Ok, what’s the latest possible date that I can still make something of my life?
  326. I used to work at a fire hydrant factory; you couldn’t park nowhere near the place.
  327. I bet you $10,231.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
  328. I got a part in a movie called “Cocaine”. I only have one line.
  329. It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
  330. I’m at the age where I have to make a noise when I bend over. It’s the law.
  331. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
  332. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  333. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
  334. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
  335. I Googled “how to start a wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.
  336. One bird can’t make a pun. But toucan.
  337. Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.
  338. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  339. I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
  340. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  341. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
  342. If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
  343. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  344. If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.
  345. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?

There you have it. We’ve gathered this list from the widely varied realms of the Internet, and we hope it gives you some ideas for creating your own funny Instagram “About Me” bio. (Alternatively, you can just pick something from our list that works for you. We’ll never tell.)

Do you have any other funny and eye-catching Instagram bio ideas that you’ve used or seen? Share them with us in the comments below!

If you’re crushing it on IG, then you’re going to run into this problem sooner than late: storage. Yes, online storage is super important but the local stuff always has some real advantage (like being able to hide your illegal software businesses overnight if needed.) That’s why Gigaston created the solid and highly versatile

We’ve got a lot of other Instagram caption resources available for all you influencers out there.

Check out our list of Instagram captions for waterfall pictures.

Listening to music? Here’s our guide to Instagram captions for musical events.

Visit the Mouse and get some great pictures – then read our list of great Instagram captions for Disney World.

If you’re posting about your love life, be sure to scope our Instagram captions for couples.

…or if things have gone the other way, we’ve got Instagram captions for your ex.

One thought on “346 Funny Instagram Bios — Liven Up Your ‘About Me’”

Eman says:
This is just a list of bad dad jokes
Reply

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